How can we be responsible in our relationships without becoming attached?

How do we avoid attachment while caring for others?

Yeah, it’s tough. It’s not easy at all.

I would say that the more spiritual knowledge we internalize, the more we understand that each relationship is ultimately a mode of service to the Lord. For example, when Haridas Thakur departed from this world, Chaitanya Mahaprabhu said that by Krishna’s mercy, He had given us the association of Haridas Thakur, and by His supreme will, He took it away. This submission to the Lord’s will is key. As it says in the Bible, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the Lord.”

So, to the extent that we understand every relationship is not just between two individuals, but ultimately between the Lord and us through that person, we gain a different perspective. This doesn’t mean we treat the other person merely as an instrument—we have a real personal relationship with them. But simultaneously, we relate to Krishna through that relationship.

To that extent, we can act in that relationship in a mood of service to Krishna.

Even in the material world, if we don’t choose detachment, it is often forced upon us. Parents naturally love and care for their children, but as children grow, they become independent. Sometimes they follow their parents’ wishes, sometimes not, and parents have to accept that.

So detachment is necessary even for functioning in worldly life. People form relationships and sometimes they break up before marriage, sometimes marriages don’t last. Apart from death, relationships can break in many ways—through betrayal or irreconcilable differences, even if there is no intent to hurt.

If we see every relationship as service to Krishna, then we act carefully and sincerely while serving Krishna through those relationships.

At the same time, we remember that our relationship with Krishna is the most important. All other relationships exist to support that primary relationship. If someone is in our life, through them we serve Krishna; if they are no longer present, we serve Krishna directly.

Think of it this way:

• We have our relationship with Krishna (1)
• Our relationship with the other person (2)
• The other person’s relationship with Krishna (3)

As social beings, we need both (1) and (2). A devotee understands that (2) leads to (3). Even if the other person is not consciously devoted, they are still part of Krishna’s creation.

For example, our boss at work may not be a devotee, but by serving them responsibly, we acknowledge that Krishna has placed us there. Rupa Sanatana Goswami once served Nababhusana Shah, who was a violent temple desecrator and ate cow flesh. Still, they served him competently and earned his trust, eventually influencing him. They served the Lord by serving someone opposed to Him, by minimizing his negative tendencies.

In our case, even if there is no explicit motive, our familial, professional, or social positions help us serve Krishna, directly or indirectly, and sometimes help others relate to Krishna.

So we do not see the relationship with others and the relationship with Krishna as independent; rather, the former reinforces the latter.

We have a direct relationship with Krishna through bhakti and sadhana, and an inclusive relationship with Krishna through our relationships with others. While caring for others, we don’t need to obsess over whether we are becoming attached.

If we focus on deepening our relationship with Krishna—becoming spiritually attached—that understanding naturally puts all other relationships into perspective.

Trying to forcibly detach ourselves can make us hard-hearted and uncaring, which harms our spiritual life.

Bhakti is more about adding Krishna to our life than removing other things.

So yes, we want to avoid unhealthy attachment, but while interacting with others—especially those we care for—we should not constantly worry, “Am I becoming attached? Am I becoming attached?”

Instead, our purpose can be: “How can I best serve Krishna in this situation? How can I best serve this person in a way that helps their relationship with Krishna and mine?”

A service attitude transforms relationships. Initially, it may feel like 99% attachment and 1% service, making the difference between attachment and affection unclear. But as our relationship with Krishna grows through bhakti, that service attitude permeates our whole life.

Then in each relationship, we act responsibly when required, but if the relationship dynamic changes, we say, “I served Krishna in this relationship. Now I will serve Krishna in another way,” and we move on gracefully.

So, focusing on the mood of service rather than worrying excessively about attachment or detachment helps everything else fall into place.