33 How does my association affect my spirituality – Gita 10.09

Thank you very much for joining this morning’s Gita course. Today, we are discussing one of the sweetest and most important verses from a practical perspective in the Bhagavad Gita. We will explore its application from the basics of human psychology and society to the highest levels of spiritual happiness and divine joy.

The verse we are discussing is Krishna talking about how his devotees reciprocate with each other. The translation here is beautiful. It’s not just that my devotees think of me, but the thoughts of my devotees reside in me; they dwell in me. This means the mental home of the devotees is me; their whole life is devoted to my service. It’s not just that they’re thinking passively, but they are actively engaging with me in various ways.

A vital part of our lives is our interaction with others. We are conscious beings, social creatures, and at a mental, physical, and social level, we interact with society in many ways. One of the primary ways we interact is through speech. So, how is speech spiritualized? The verse suggests that devotees discuss with each other, and both of them (the devotees) enlighten each other. The word “Buddha” is associated with enlightenment, and both of them means to enlighten. They constantly discuss me and find great joy and satisfaction in doing so.

The word “Tushyanti” refers to a basic level of satisfaction, while “Ramanti” refers to something much more than satisfaction—energy, excitement, thrill, and joy. In discussing me with others, my devotees experience this kind of deep joy.

This verse is part of the Chatur Shloki Bhagavad Gita. Verses 10.8 to 11 are the Gita’s four key verses, which, as described by commentators starting from Shri Ramanujacharya, explain the core concepts of the Gita concisely. The previous verse talks about God’s position, that He is the source of everything. This verse talks about the disposition of those devoted to God—how they live. The next two verses discuss the relationship between God and His devotees. Together, these verses beautifully summarize Krishna’s mercy on His devotees.

Let’s move forward and look at this particular verse. Today, we will discuss three things: how we are shaped by association, how we can choose our association, and how our association affects our spirituality.

At one level, association is a very basic principle. If we outsource our sanity to society, what do I mean by this? Our mind constantly presents us with hundreds of options of what we could do, how we might behave, the faces we could make, and the words we might speak. Sometimes, we might be upset and might speak foul words, or we might engage in actions that are inappropriate or discourteous. If we were presented with all the options at every moment, we would get overwhelmed.

So, whenever we start doing something or speaking something, we often look at the people around us to see how they are responding. Based on their reactions, we decide whether we should proceed or not. This begins from childhood. Even a small baby learns to socialize. For example, when a baby picks up a toy, the mother smiles, and the baby continues to play. But if the baby picks up a knife, the mother’s alarmed reaction causes the baby to put it down. Of course, sometimes the baby might be naughty and act against the parent’s will, but in general, we look at those around us and adjust our behavior accordingly.

Socializing is a vital skill that children need to learn early on. Children, for example, need to play. If they are disagreeable—say, if they don’t follow the rules of a game or hit other children—they may not be accepted by others. Socialization happens naturally at early stages, and as children grow, they learn the ropes of interacting with others. They learn that certain behaviors, like pushing or pinching, are disapproved of by others. By observing and interacting with the social circle around them, they regulate their behavior accordingly.

Here, I have used the word “sanity” because our minds can propose insane options to us. For example, right now, I am speaking to you. I can’t see you physically, but in a live class, I would notice how you react. If I were speaking and saw that everyone was looking at me strangely, I would adjust my words or tone accordingly.

If somebody’s frowning at me or glaring at me, I might wonder, “Did I say something wrong?” Even while speaking, it’s not just a one-way speech; it’s also a conversation. You may not be speaking right now, but I can see the effect of my words, and based on that, I adjust and direct my speech. This is a basic principle, not just of human psychology but of human society itself—our behavior is shaped by our associations.

Now, people sometimes say we are animals or creatures, but in reality, we are social creatures. We want and need to be accepted, respected, and valued within some social circle. The key is finding which social circle that is. For example, when a student joins a new school—especially in today’s world where families often move due to jobs or other reasons—a major consideration is finding a group to belong to. A child entering a new school must find their place within a group.

Some children might be introverted, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s not that introverts dislike people—they just don’t always want to be surrounded by others constantly. Introverts tend to recharge their energy by being alone, reflecting, and then, after recharging, they can associate with others effectively. Extroverts, on the other hand, gain emotional energy from interacting with others. Regardless of whether we are introverts or extroverts, we all need some form of social circle in which we feel accepted, respected, and valued.

Our scriptures are filled with examples of how association affects us. For instance, in the Ramayana, the story of Hanuman and Sugriva illustrates how association can uplift us. Sugriva, the monarch of the Vanaras, had been exiled for a long time and was living in fear. When he finally regained his kingdom, he was supposed to use his resources to help Lord Ram, who had helped him get his kingdom and his wife back. However, Sugriva became distracted by the rainy season and indulged in sensual pleasures.

During the rainy season, Sugriva lost himself in revelry—his version of “online indulgence”—spending time with entertainers and indulging in pleasures. For months, he neglected his duties. Then Hanuman, who was his subordinate, reminded him of his responsibility. Later, Lakshman came and reminded Sugriva more forcefully. The association with these well-wishers pulled Sugriva out of his indulgence and back on track.

Conversely, association can also pull us down. In the Mahabharata, the story of Kaikeyi, the queen of King Dashrath, illustrates how harmful associations can lead to poor decisions. Kaikeyi’s maid, Mantra, poisoned her mind, convincing her that a conspiracy was afoot to deprive her son Bharat of the throne, even though there was no such plan. Kaikeyi was persuaded by Mantra’s words and made two brutal requests: to exile Ram to the forest and to crown Bharat as king. This caused immense grief to Dashrath, leading to his death. It was only later, when her son Bharat chastised her, that Kaikeyi realized her mistake. The association with Mantra had led her down a destructive path.

In both examples, association played a pivotal role in shaping decisions. While we might think our decisions are entirely our own, often our choices are influenced by those we associate with. It’s like being on a road where someone directs us to take a different path. Even in less obvious cases, our overall behavior is shaped by our associations. Our decisions, like the roads we take in life, are influenced by the people around us.

Association, however, isn’t just about physical proximity; it’s also about the transfer of desires. For example, imagine you are driving and giving someone a ride. While you may have something on your mind, the person you’re driving might also have their own thoughts. Their desires or state of mind can influence your behavior or thinking, even without direct communication.

We might spend several hours in the same car with someone without even talking to them. In that case, we’re not truly associating with the person. But if we’re driving and they suggest, “Don’t go this way, go that way,” and we follow their advice, their presence in the car has influenced the direction we take. Similarly, when we associate with someone, when are we truly associating with them? While physical proximity is one factor, the essential aspect of association is when it shapes our decisions.

Sometimes, our decisions may not be entirely in our control, but our desires are to some extent. If someone influences our desires, that’s the effect of association—both positively and negatively, as we discussed earlier. The key principle of association is the transfer of desires.

Earlier, I mentioned how our social circle regulates our behavior. For example, if a student belongs to a social group where everyone is drinking, smoking, or engaging in unhealthy behaviors, they may feel pressured to do the same. Conversely, if they belong to a group of serious students who are focused on their studies, they may feel disapproved of if they try to smoke or drink. In both cases, desires are transferred through association. Some people might encourage behaviors, while others might discourage them, thereby shaping our desires.

Now, let’s discuss a concept known as linear and triangular desires. A linear desire occurs when we see an object and immediately desire it—this is a straightforward, direct desire. For example, if we see a delicious food item, we may desire it right away. However, with triangular desires, we may not be initially attracted to an object, but when we see someone else enjoying it, we become interested.

Take, for example, the case of drugs. A person might see a drug or a cigarette and not feel any desire for it at first. But if they see someone else taking it and expressing how good it feels, they might be tempted to try it. Here, the desire isn’t just for the object but for the experience that someone else is endorsing. Many of our desires are shaped this way—through our association with others.

This principle also applies to spiritual matters. Spiritual objects, like sacred texts, might not initially seem attractive to us, but when we associate with those who value them, we might develop a desire for them. For instance, some may not be immediately drawn to the Bhagavad Gita, but if someone we respect or trust speaks highly of it, we might be inspired to read it. Therefore, association plays a key role in developing our desires, both in worldly and spiritual matters.

How We Can Choose Our Associations

Earlier, I mentioned that we all need to feel accepted, respected, and valued within some social circle. The crucial point here is that we have the ability to choose which social circle we want to belong to. While we can’t control every aspect of our social environment, such as family ties or work-related associations, we can be mindful of the groups we choose to engage with. Parents often worry about the friends their children make, knowing that a child’s behavior can be influenced by their peer group.

For example, if a child belongs to a group where everyone is focused on academics and personal growth, they are more likely to develop those qualities. However, if they are surrounded by peers who engage in unhealthy behaviors, they might feel pressured to follow suit. Thus, parents must guide their children in choosing the right social circles.

Though we cannot always change the social groups we are born into, we can choose how we engage with those groups. We may belong to a family or cultural group that influences our behavior, but we can decide which part of that group we want to be more closely associated with. For example, even within a larger cultural or religious group, there are smaller circles of people with different values. By gradually repositioning ourselves, we can align ourselves with those who share our aspirations.

We may be on a spiritual path and desire to associate with spiritually-minded individuals. However, if our family or immediate social circle doesn’t share that interest, we must navigate how to integrate these values. It’s important to recognize that while we may not be able to change everyone around us, we can change who influences us.

The key is to choose who influences us and be selective about who gets “inside us.” We can’t always avoid negative influences, but we can actively choose to be more influenced by those who inspire us to grow in positive ways. For example, in professional settings, if we want to excel, we should associate with those who are striving to excel, rather than settling for mediocrity.

This principle is crucial in any area of life, including spirituality. If we want to grow spiritually, we must choose associations that inspire us to develop those desires. It is often easier to adopt the desires of others, especially when we respect or admire them, than to form our own desires from scratch.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, association is a powerful tool for shaping our desires and decisions. Whether in our personal, professional, or spiritual lives, the people we choose to surround ourselves with have a profound impact on who we become. By choosing associations that support our growth, we can ensure that our desires align with the values we want to cultivate.

This principle helps us understand how our spiritual journey can harmonize with our relationships with others, reducing conflicts while fostering growth. The diagram in this scenario illustrates three key relationships:

1. Our relationship with Krishna: This is the most essential and foundational connection.
2. Our relationship with others: These are the people around us, including friends and family.
3. Their relationship with Krishna: This involves how others engage with their own spiritual practices and connections.

Often, when we are on a spiritual journey, we want others to join us in their relationship with Krishna, and this can sometimes lead to pressure. For example, we might encourage them to read a particular book, chant a mantra, or eat a certain way. However, pushing too hard can strain our relationship with them (the second relationship), and in turn, disrupt our relationship with Krishna (the first relationship). This is because the pressure we exert on others can create tension, and when that happens, both relationships may suffer.

The key here is to recognize that everyone has free will and is at their own pace in spiritual evolution. We cannot force someone to grow spiritually faster than they are ready to. Instead, we can facilitate their growth without pushing them too hard. This approach creates a space where both we and others have the freedom to explore our relationship with Krishna.

In most cases, this principle encourages us to respect others’ journeys and give them the space to grow at their own pace. This way, we avoid encroaching on each other’s personal space. Ideally, our relationship with others should nourish our relationship with Krishna. However, if we find that someone’s actions or influence are blocking or hindering our own spiritual practices, we may need to reconsider the relationship or create distance to maintain our spiritual focus.

Furthermore, in terms of association, it’s essential to choose like-minded people who support our spiritual journey. Like-minded association enables us to breathe freely, live authentically, and make decisions that align with our values. When we associate with those who share similar spiritual desires, we can grow together. On the other hand, when we are surrounded by people who don’t share our spiritual goals, it can create tension and make us feel suffocated.

For instance, when we read a specific spiritual book, but others criticize it or push their preferred books onto us, it can lead to social pressure and make us feel uncomfortable in our choices. The Sajatiyya Asaya Bhagwat Bhakta Sangha principle in the Nectar of Devotion emphasizes that we should seek association with those who have similar desires, particularly those on the same spiritual path.

In any relationship, there’s a mix of similarity and dissimilarity. While it’s crucial to have common ground in certain areas, we must also accept that individuals are unique. Even within like-minded associations, there will be differences in personality and expression. However, these differences should not stifle our spiritual growth; instead, they should complement it by allowing open and constructive discussions, especially around spiritual matters.

In summary, understanding the dynamics between these relationships—our relationship with Krishna, with others, and with how others relate to Krishna—can help us minimize conflicts and maximize spiritual growth. By fostering the right associations and respecting personal spaces, we can harmonize our relationships while continuing to deepen our connection with Krishna.

But if, say, I was reading the Bhagavad Gita and another person doesn’t even know what the Bhagavad Gita is or doesn’t care at all for the Bhagavad Gita, then we don’t know how I can discuss further. So there is similarity that brings stability, but we don’t want, we can’t have entirely identical people around us. So there will be dissimilarity also, and that dissimilarity doesn’t have to be always bad. It can bring novelty. But there has to be a foundation of stability, sorry, some foundational stability has to be there, and then there can be some novelty within that foundation.

So, for example, two people come together to hear a spiritual talk, and then they have similar interests, and then they discuss with each other, “What did you like in the talk?” Because each one is an individual going through their particular situations in life, one person might find a particular point spoke to them, and another person might find a different point spoke to them, and that dissimilarity brings novelty. And this is what brings us back to the point of this verse, Bodhayantaha Parasparam. Krishna says that the devotees enlighten each other. It’s interesting because in the previous verse, Krishna says, “Those who become devoted to Me are enlightened. Those who know that Krishna is the source of everything, they are Buddha, they are wise.” At the same time, despite being already enlightened or wise, they still make each other wise. They are enlightened and they enlighten each other. Why is that? Because it is said that knowing Krishna is enlightenment, but because Krishna is infinite and we are finite, each one of us knows Krishna from a different perspective. And then we all want to know Krishna, and then we associate with each other, “Oh, you are appreciating this point in this way, I’m appreciating this point in this way.” But the same point we might appreciate in different ways or within the same topic, we might appreciate different points, and that brings novelty. And we need to analyze things from different perspectives and appreciate things accordingly. And that can enhance our understanding. So that is very, it’s not only something that is mind-expanding, but it is also heart-enriching. “Oh, this is how wonderful Krishna is.”

So even for the Bhagavad Gita, there are many different Acharyas who have written commentaries. So they all venerate Krishna. They all are devoted to Krishna, but at the same time, they may relish the same words from a different perspective, and the similarity or this is a book on the Bhagavad Gita that brings stability. The similarity is, “Oh, this is an individual.” Each person is an individual, and each person appreciates things from different perspectives, and this similarity brings novelty.

So now, a healthy relationship is a general principle. It has this balance of predictability and unpredictability. The predictability brings stability and unpredictability brings novelty. So when we say we need like-minded association, what does that mean? We could say at a very basic level, those who share our definition of success. Our definition of success means what is really valuable in life, even within the devotee circle. One overarching definition of success is we all want to love Krishna, but how do we go about loving Krishna? There could be a lot of differences about that. Some devotees may feel, “I want to share spiritual literature with others. I want to distribute books.” Some devotees may feel, “I want to memorize verses.” Some may feel that “I want to build a temple, I want to create some infrastructure for people to connect with Krishna.” All these are valid and valuable ways of progressing toward serving Krishna and developing our love for Him, but they are quite different in their practicalities, and for us to actually grow spiritually, we need the association of those who share our definition of success.

So what does it mean? It can mean sharing our definition of success can mean our way of appreciating bhakti. It can refer to our way of relishing bhakti, our way of sharing bhakti with the world. All these matter for us. So appreciating means it refers to earlier I talked about satisfaction, tushyanti and ramanti. So appreciating is how we find satisfaction in bhakti and tushyanti is how we relish bhakti and our way of sharing bhakti in the world. So all these matter, and we need like-minded associations. So there are so many devotees who may speak about Krishna, but if you find a particular speaker with whom we can connect, then we focus on that and grow through that.

And a couple of concluding points now: when we want to grow spiritually, we need the association where the words that people speak are non-judgmental and confidentiality is maintained. Now, non-judgmentality doesn’t mean just an uncritical acceptance of everything that we do, but people are not fixing permanent labels on us, and confidentiality means if we speak something, it is not that that is going to be broadcast to the whole world the next day. So if like-minded association also has these two aspects to it, that we are not judged and condemned, and what is spoken in private is kept in private. So we may not have this kind of friends, but we need to seek them, and we need to become a friend like that. And within such an association, what will happen? Actually, if we have friends like this, we will find that no joy is greater than the joy of discussing and relishing Krishna.

So the Bhagavatam talks about Parasparanukathanam, that Parasparanukathanam is coming together and talking about Krishna. That is, in fact, normally in the material world, it is thought that the greatest joy that two people can come together and have is bodily pleasure, sexual pleasure, but the Bhagavatam says that if two people come together and they are like-minded and they discuss Krishna, the joy that they can get in that discussion can supersede even the greatest joy in the material world, and in fact, most of our sacred texts are conversations wherein there are spiritually-minded teachers and seekers who come together and discuss, and in that discussion, the supreme illumination and the supreme joy is to be found. This is a vital and vibrant limbo of bhakti which we can tap to make our spiritual journey as relishable as possible.

I’ll summarize. I spoke today on the topic of association, and we discussed three questions: How does our association shape our desires? How does association matter to us? So I talked about we outsource our sanity to society, socialization. Socializing that happens for children determines wherein they look for others, whether it is the parents or other kids, and based on that, they regulate their behaviors, and we discussed with respect to association, it can pull us up, it can pull us down—the example of Hanuman being pulled up by Sugri and Mantra pulling Kaikeyi down. And then the essence of association is not physical proximity but transfer of desires. And after that, I talked about what we can choose. We can’t choose our social circle entirely, but we can choose which social circle we wish to belong to. Within a particular social circle that we are biologically or sociologically thrust into, we can find, we can carve out, or find a smaller social circle that is compatible for us. We can’t choose the people who are around us, but we can choose the people who get inside us, and for that purpose, what do we do? We need to befriend those who want the best for us.

So, during our normal times, during our contemplative times, we understand who is on a healthy track in their lives and then make them the major influencers for us. Last day, I discussed how our association affects our spirituality. I talked about three things: our relationship with Krishna, our relationship with others, and their relationship with Krishna. If we force others to develop their relationship with Krishna, they may become hostile, and that will affect our relationship with them, which in turn may affect our relationship with Krishna also.

So, give others space, and they will give us space. But if others encroach upon and choke us in our relationship with Krishna, then that kind of relationship we might have to distance ourselves from. And which relationship should we cultivate even within bhakti? It is devotees who are like-minded, who share the same kind of desires that we have, the same definition of success. This means how we appreciate, relish, and share bhakti. If we find such association, which we can find by cultivating confidentiality and non-judgmentality, we can develop those virtues. Gradually, we will find others also share those virtues, and we can move forward. In such a discussion, we can get joy. Those who are enlightened can become more enlightened also, because we can keep knowing about Krishna from different perspectives. In that, we can find life’s greatest joy. Thank you.

Ok, so if you have a friend with whom you would like to discuss spirituality, but you can’t find the time for it or they can’t find the time for it, what can we do? Well, there are three different aspects to this. If some relationship you find very enriching for us, then we need to make arrangements to get that association. So, plan in advance. Even if it is once a month, even if it is once in a few months, whatever it is, find that time and relish and treasure it. This is not just a principle. We will discuss it later in one of our sessions that bhakti is not just about what we do. It is much more about what we want to do. So, even by aspiring for, or hankering for, a particular association, that itself can purify us. That itself can energize us spiritually. So, cherish that.

Earlier, I used to travel a lot, but now, because of the pandemic, I am not traveling that much. When I was traveling, it was not just to give classes, but also to meet devotees. And, of course, I met devotees in general, but there are many devotees who are much more senior to me, far wiser, and far more advanced than I am. Associating with them was a very important part of my spiritual growth. And because of travel, when I couldn’t associate with them, I tried to create a forum for online discussions. That’s how, recently, some of you may know, I have started the “Monks Podcast,” where I invite senior devotees to discuss various topics, and many of the viewers are benefiting from that. I am relishing it.

We need to be resourceful, sometimes innovative, to try to create some platforms where we can get discussions like that. Simultaneously, if some people are very busy, we also need to look for other channels. We need association, and sometimes the kind of association we have may be limited by the life situations we or the other person are in. While we can keep the aspiration for associating with that person, we can also look for the association that is presently available for us and move onward accordingly.

Now, how do we develop or build a connection with those whose services are different from ours or the services for which we don’t have the ability and aptitude? Well, I would say a couple of things. There are some people we have to associate with, just because maybe we live with them, are close to them, or regularly meet them. We do some services with them for whatever reason. So, if there are some people we have to associate with, then try to become a little interested in what they’re doing. At one level, we can’t entirely choose our interests. It is our interests that choose us. Now, let’s say somebody is interested in music, then for them to become, say, interested in cooking, well, it’s not the same spontaneous, natural attraction toward music that they may have. They may never develop that attraction toward cooking. But we can’t always choose our interests, but we can choose to be interested.

Choosing to be interested means that, okay, we may not have an immediate attraction to something, but we can open our mind and our heart to learn from it and appreciate its value. By doing this, we may be able to develop a deeper understanding and connection with the person and their service, even if it is not naturally aligned with our own.