Gita key verses course 21- Why are relationships so difficult? How can we improve them? – Gita 06.32

Hare Krishna. Welcome back to our discussion on the Bhagavad Gita. We are in session 21, and today we’ll be focusing on a topic of vital importance: relationships. We will discuss this in light of the wisdom from the Gita, particularly focusing on how the mind affects our relationships and how we can use this knowledge to improve them.

Let’s begin by examining verse 6.32 from the Gita, which describes how the topmost yogi sees everyone. The verse states:

“Atmaupam yena sarvatra samampashyati yo arjuna sukham vayadivadukham sayogi paramo matah.”

This verse emphasizes the vision of profound empathy. The yogi who sees all beings equally, in terms of what brings them happiness or distress, is considered the highest yogi. The verse teaches that yoga isn’t just about personal connection to the ultimate reality, but also about connecting deeply with others. So, the spiritual path leads us not only to understand the unity of existence but also to see this unity in others, fostering empathy.

Why Are Relationships Difficult?

Relationships often become challenging because we base them on the body and mind. When it comes to relationships, especially romantic ones, physical attraction is often the initial basis. This is easily understood—when we form relationships, especially romantic ones, appearances matter. However, relationships also depend on the moods of the mind, which can be more complicated.

Sometimes, we may experience strong romantic attraction, feeling intensely connected to another person, even declaring that we can’t live without them. But after a few months, when those initial feelings fade, the same person may start to annoy us, and we might feel we can’t live with them. The mind’s moods are constantly fluctuating, affecting our perceptions of others.

The moods are not random; they are influenced by deeper factors like our judgments, attitudes, and how our minds process interactions. The mind plays a significant role in either nurturing or sabotaging our relationships. So, relationships are mediated not only through the body but also by the mind.

The Body, Mind, and Soul

To understand this more deeply, consider that we are made of body, mind, and soul. The soul is the essence of who we are, but it is covered by the mind, and the mind is covered by the body. When we interact with others, we are not directly relating to their soul but through their body and mind. Initially, we may be attracted to someone’s physical appearance, and over time, we begin to understand their mental and emotional state, which is reflected through their expressions and actions.

However, our judgments about others are primarily based on their mind and body, not their soul. Our relationships are mediated through our perceptions of their body, mind, and emotions, which can be deeply influenced by our own state of mind.

The Role of Position, Disposition, and Action

When we meet someone, we often form an initial judgment based on three things: position, disposition, and actions.

1. Position: This refers to a person’s social or professional standing. For example, if we meet a teacher, a CEO, or someone in a position of authority, this naturally shapes our attitude towards them. We assess where they stand in the “pecking order,” which influences our behavior and interaction with them.
2. Disposition: This refers to the person’s mood or temperament. Are they serious, cheerful, or reserved? Their emotional state, whether visible through their facial expressions or general behavior, plays a significant role in how we perceive them and how we choose to relate to them.
3. Action: Finally, we look at the person’s actions, whether habitual or situational. Actions reveal deeper aspects of a person’s character. For example, if someone is constantly smiling, we might perceive them as friendly, but if someone is always frowning or distant, we may judge them as unapproachable.

By understanding these factors—position, disposition, and action—we can better understand how our mind shapes our relationships and how we can work with this knowledge to improve our interactions.

When we interact with others, we often adjust our behavior based on their disposition. For instance, if someone is very serious or grave, we understand that we need to mirror that seriousness in our response. Imagine, after a program, we are sitting with someone and commenting on how wonderful the prasad was. If they respond with a grave “yes,” it might feel like the conversation has ended, as if there’s nothing more to discuss. So, based on someone’s disposition, we decide how much we want to engage with them.

Now, among the factors influencing our relationships—position, disposition, and action—position and disposition are generally less changeable. A person’s position in society or their professional standing doesn’t shift frequently, and similarly, a person’s disposition tends to be fairly stable. For example, some people are introverted while others are extroverted, or some are more task-oriented while others are more people-oriented. These traits don’t change daily and usually define the way we connect with others.

However, actions are more fluid and can be more easily understood or interpreted. By observing someone’s actions, we get a clearer picture of where they stand. Sometimes, though, we may judge someone too quickly, without fully understanding the situation. For instance, if someone is angry, sullen, or snaps at us, we might wonder what’s wrong. But in such cases, it’s important to remember that actions can be influenced by deeper factors.

Three Factors Influencing Actions

Broadly, we can categorize the reasons behind people’s actions into circumstantial, conditional, or intentional factors. These factors correspond to the three levels of being—body, mind, and soul.

1. Circumstantial Actions: These actions arise from external situations or stress. For example, a person may have had a difficult day with multiple problems, and when we make a small request, they might respond angrily. We might think our request is insignificant, but they might be overwhelmed by circumstances that we are unaware of. At such times, even good people can behave poorly, as their actions are influenced by external pressures.
2. Conditional Actions: Sometimes, a person’s actions are the result of their conditioning—their mental and emotional patterns. For example, someone might speak thoughtlessly or insensitively, not because they mean to hurt anyone, but because they are conditioned to express themselves in a certain way. Some people speak to express their thoughts, while others speak to discover their thoughts. When people speak without thinking, it can come across as rude, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are intending to hurt anyone. This kind of behavior is a result of their conditioning rather than malice.
3. Intentional Actions: At times, people may act with deliberate intent to provoke, hurt, or manipulate others. They might say things with the intention to make others angry or upset. These actions are deliberate, and the person might exploit the situation for some gain or purpose.

Understanding Behavior

When people behave in certain ways, we tend to assign labels or judgments to their behavior. For instance, we may think, “Why are they acting like this?” However, it’s crucial to consider whether their actions are circumstantial, conditional, or intentional before jumping to conclusions. Understanding the root cause of someone’s actions can help us approach relationships with greater empathy and patience.

When interacting with others, we often adjust our behavior based on their disposition. For example, if someone is very serious or grave, we tend to mirror that seriousness in our response. Imagine we are sitting with someone after a program, discussing how wonderful the prasad was. If they respond with a grave “yes,” it may feel like the conversation has ended, as though there’s nothing more to say. So, our willingness to engage is influenced by their disposition.

Among the factors that shape our relationships—position, disposition, and action—position and disposition are usually more stable and less changeable. A person’s position in society or their professional role doesn’t shift frequently, and a person’s disposition is typically consistent. For instance, some individuals are introverted, others extroverted, some are task-oriented, while others are people-oriented. These traits are generally fixed and define how we connect with others.

On the other hand, actions are more fluid and can be understood or interpreted more easily. By observing someone’s actions, we gain insight into where they stand. However, it’s important to be cautious not to judge too quickly. For example, if someone seems angry, sullen, or snaps at us, we may wonder what’s wrong. But it’s crucial to remember that actions are influenced by deeper factors.

Three Factors Influencing Actions

Broadly speaking, people’s actions can be categorized into three types: circumstantial, conditional, and intentional. These correspond to the body, mind, and soul, respectively.

1. Circumstantial Actions: These arise from external situations or stress. For example, a person might have had a difficult day, with numerous problems to handle, and when we make a small request, they might snap. Although our request seems insignificant, they might be overwhelmed by circumstances we don’t see. Even the most composed individuals can act out of character due to stress, and their actions reflect the influence of external pressures.
2. Conditional Actions: Sometimes, people’s actions are shaped by their conditioning—their mental and emotional habits. A person might speak thoughtlessly or insensitively, not with the intent to hurt anyone, but because they are conditioned to express themselves in a certain way. Some people speak to express their thoughts, while others do so to discover them. This can lead to speaking in a way that may come across as rude, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they intend harm. Their actions are the result of their conditioning, not malice.
3. Intentional Actions: At times, individuals may act with a deliberate intent to provoke, hurt, or manipulate others. They might say things designed to make someone angry or upset. These actions are calculated, and the individual may exploit the situation for personal gain or other motives.

Understanding Behavior

When people behave in particular ways, it’s easy to assign labels or judgments to their behavior. We might think, “Why are they acting like this?” However, it’s important to consider whether their actions are circumstantial, conditional, or intentional before making assumptions. Understanding the root cause of someone’s behavior can help us approach relationships with greater empathy and patience.

Understanding What’s in Our Control and What’s Not

When it comes to relationships, who others are and how they perceive us are not within our control. However, there are aspects of interaction that we can influence. The world operates through jnana indriyas (knowledge-acquiring senses) and karma indriyas (action-oriented senses). The knowledge-acquiring senses allow us to take in information, and the working senses help us act.

What is in our control is how we perceive others and how we respond. Through our knowledge-acquiring senses and our actions, we have the ability to influence how we experience others and how they might respond to us. While we cannot control others’ actions or perceptions, we can focus on shaping our own.

To improve our relationships, we need to manage our mind effectively. Let’s explore how to do that.

Mind Your Mind Before You Mind Others’ Minds

It’s easy to focus on other people’s flaws—whether they’re lazy, forgetful, irresponsible, or untidy. However, these are attributes of the mind, not the soul. When we attempt to correct someone by saying things like “Don’t be so lazy” or “Why can’t you be tidy?”, we are essentially trying to correct their mind, which is very difficult.

Before we try to change others, we must first mind our own mind. This means checking whether we are reducing a person to a negative label and failing to see any good in them. Often, when we have formed an opinion about someone, we dismiss any positive behavior they exhibit, attributing it to superficial reasons, such as “This is just for show.” We may even magnify their negative traits when they act in accordance with the label we’ve assigned them.

This is a universal psychological flaw. In fact, even in scientific fields, it is said that we treat facts we like as established truths, while we dismiss facts we don’t like as mere theories. The behaviors that align with our labels are accepted as “real,” while those that contradict our perceptions are viewed with suspicion.

Thus, we need to recognize the labels we place on others. Before trying to change others’ behavior, we must first correct our own mindset and perceptions.

We Are All Fighting the Same Battle

At the core, we’re all fighting the same internal battle. The real fight is not between us and others, but between our minds and their minds. This doesn’t mean that differences don’t exist or need to be resolved, but rather, we should understand that everyone is struggling with their own minds.

Our focus should not be on seeing through people, meaning trying to dissect their behavior and reveal a hidden truth. Instead, we should focus on seeing people through people, understanding that life is a difficult journey for everyone, and we are all comrades facing the forces of illusion together. We should help each other navigate this troubled world.

Seeing Through Each Other: Labeling vs. Understanding

When we label others based on past behavior—like if someone was once untidy and we dismiss any improvement as “just for show”—we fail to see them through a lens of empathy. Instead of labeling and dismissing, we should help each other deal with our minds.

Approaches to Relating with Others

In practical terms, there are three broad ways to relate to others: passive, aggressive, and assertive. These approaches align with the three modes of material nature:

• Passive: This is a mode of ignorance, where we allow others to walk over us without asserting ourselves. It may seem humble, but true humility doesn’t mean letting ourselves be exploited. Humility means not letting our ego hinder our purpose.
• Aggressive: This is a mode of passion, where we push back aggressively when there is a disagreement. Aggression often stems from ego, and it can harm relationships.
• Assertive: This is a mode of goodness, where we engage with others respectfully, clearly stating our needs or opinions while being open to listening. Assertiveness balances self-respect with consideration for others.

Humility, in this context, doesn’t equate to passivity or weakness. It’s about maintaining a focus on our purpose without letting our ego interfere.

The Role of Space, Assertiveness, and Our Relationship with Krishna

Humility and the Importance of Space

Humility doesn’t mean passivity or being overly concerned with respect or honor. It’s about not being excessively respect-conscious, so we can avoid taking disrespect too seriously. True humility lies in not being overly focused on how others perceive us.

In relationships, space is essential. This doesn’t just refer to physical space—especially in today’s world with social distancing—but to the mental and emotional space we need to maintain harmony with ourselves. Space means living in a way that aligns with our body and mind. It’s not about living solely for our mind or body, but living in balance with both.

For example, introverts may enjoy socializing but need breaks to recharge, while extroverts thrive on interaction and feel energized by being around others. It’s essential for each of us to respect our personal space. An introvert might need time alone, and an extrovert might prefer continuous social engagement. Understanding this helps avoid conflict, as everyone needs their personal space to function effectively.

However, extreme behavior, such as an introvert who never interacts with others or an extrovert who constantly dominates social situations, is unhealthy. Space means finding balance—being in harmony with our body and mind so that we can function well in the world.

Assertiveness vs. Aggression and Passivity

Assertiveness is the ideal approach. It means respecting both your space and the space of others. In contrast, aggressive behavior is about encroaching on others’ space—controlling or micromanaging them. Passive behavior, on the other hand, involves allowing others to dominate without standing up for ourselves.

Aggression and passivity stem from mental conditioning. An aggressive mind thinks, “I must control everything,” viewing others as objects to be shaped and molded. A passive mind sees others as overpowering forces, believing they cannot influence their own situation.

Assertiveness, however, comes from understanding that both you and the other person have needs and space that should be respected. It involves balancing your own needs with empathy for others’ limitations and allowing them space to grow. Assertiveness doesn’t mean pandering to every whim of the mind or body but learning to manage and understand our responses.

The Importance of Self-Mastery

To be truly assertive, we need self-mastery—the ability to understand and control our own mind. When we can distance ourselves from the mind’s impulses, we can respond thoughtfully and assertively. This level of self-awareness helps us handle relationships more effectively, avoiding both aggression and passivity.

Horizontal and Vertical Relationships

We have two types of relationships:

1. Horizontal Relationships: These are relationships with others—family, friends, colleagues. Each relationship has its importance, but all are with souls like us, who are also navigating the challenges of life.
2. Vertical Relationship with Krishna: Our most important and eternal relationship is with Krishna. He resides in our hearts, and connecting with Him through bhakti yoga brings us strength, satisfaction, and stability.

When horizontal relationships become difficult—perhaps due to misunderstandings or conflicts—our connection with Krishna acts as an anchor. In times of turbulence, when the emotional waves of life overwhelm us, our relationship with Krishna helps stabilize and calm us, offering peace amidst the chaos.

To navigate life’s relationships effectively, we must balance assertiveness, respect for space, and a deeper connection with Krishna. By doing so, we can respond to challenges with greater clarity and empathy, strengthening both our horizontal relationships and our spiritual connection.

The Role of Krishna in Relationships and Spiritual Evolution

Emotional Independence through Krishna

When we stay connected with Krishna, we become less emotionally dependent on others. Some people are extremely emotionally needy or clingy—small issues, like a harsh word, can feel catastrophic to them. For such individuals, relationships can become overwhelming. While we still seek connection with others, we should aim not to be excessively dependent on them. Instead, we aim for emotional stability by cultivating our relationship with Krishna, who can provide this grounding.

Symbiotic Relationship Between Horizontal and Vertical Connections

Ideally, our horizontal relationships (with other people) and vertical relationship (with Krishna) should work together symbiotically. Our practice of bhakti and inner connection with Krishna help us develop inner stability. As a result, we are less likely to overreact to the flaws of others, responding with more tolerance and compassion. Furthermore, if the people in our lives are also spiritually inclined, their connection with Krishna can inspire and stabilize us as well.

This mutual connection to Krishna helps everyone involved navigate relationships more harmoniously, creating a ripple effect of growth and stability.

The Purpose of Relationships: Spiritual Evolution, Not Material Gratification

The ultimate purpose of relationships is not material gratification—where we assess a person’s worth based on the pleasure or trouble they bring us. If we adopt this mindset, we may eventually feel frustrated and think about ending the relationship when the trouble outweighs the pleasure. Instead, we must shift our focus to spiritual evolution. In this light, relationships offer opportunities for growth in humility, tolerance, and emotional maturity—virtues that bring us closer to Krishna.

For example, dealing with difficult people can be a catalyst for personal growth. If someone is not humble, their behavior may push us to become more humble ourselves. Often, it is through such challenging relationships that we cultivate greater emotional resilience.

Material vs. Spiritual Consciousness in Relationships

In material consciousness, the first thought that arises when we meet someone is, “What can this person do for me?” However, in spiritual consciousness, the first thought is, “What can I do for this person?” We begin to see every relationship as an opportunity to serve others, and through serving them, we are serving Krishna.

Even if others do not seem spiritual or inclined to treat us well, we still engage with them in a way that honors Krishna. By tolerating their flaws and responding with patience, we serve Krishna through them, recognizing that all people are part of Krishna and we are placed in their lives by His arrangement.

Serving Krishna through Challenging Relationships

Sometimes, challenging relationships can teach us important lessons. For instance, imagine an attendant at a clothing store who is dealing with a difficult, demanding customer. The customer might try on many clothes but never make a purchase, creating frustration for the attendant. However, the attendant continues to be courteous, knowing that the manager is observing and that maintaining composure will be rewarded.

Even if the attendant doesn’t make a sale, they gain recognition for their patience and courtesy. This situation reflects how, in some relationships, we might not see immediate success. We might feel like our efforts are in vain, but if we view the relationship through the lens of spiritual consciousness, we can see that Krishna values our patience and tolerance. Krishna will appreciate our effort to remain humble, even when the other person doesn’t reciprocate.

Growing Closer to Krishna

In conclusion, when we approach relationships with the understanding that they are opportunities for spiritual evolution, we can handle even the most difficult interactions with a sense of purpose. By connecting with others in a virtuous way, even if they do not respond positively, we grow spiritually and deepen our connection with Krishna.

The essence of relationships is not material fulfillment but spiritual growth, which brings us closer to Krishna, the true source of all connection.

Navigating Relationships with Spiritual Evolution in Mind

Spiritual Evolution vs. Material Gratification

When we keep the purpose of spiritual evolution in mind, we can navigate difficult relationships without escalating the challenges we face. By staying connected with Krishna, we fulfill life’s ultimate purpose—not just through direct practices of bhakti, but through how we interact with others.

Summary of the Talk

Today, I discussed the topic of why relationships are difficult and how we can improve them. The core reason relationships are challenging is that they are filtered through our mind and body, as well as the mind and body of the other person. When interacting with others, we assess them based on their position, disposition, and actions. Often, we interpret their actions through our own lenses—whether it’s based on their circumstances, conditionings, or intentions. However, how we view others can be influenced by how we feel about them.

For example, when we like someone, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, even if their actions seem negative. Conversely, when we dislike someone, we quickly label their actions as harmful, reinforcing a negative perception.

Improving Relationships

To improve our relationships, we need to mind our own mind before we mind theirs. This means distancing ourselves from our biases and emotional reactions. If we are too attached to our own thoughts, it’s like holding a tablet too close to our eyes—we can’t see anything clearly. By stepping back, we can offer the other person the benefit of the doubt and listen to them more fairly. While we can’t control another person’s behavior, we can change ourselves—how we perceive them and how we interact with them.

Through this process, we gain a better chance of positively influencing the other person, improving the relationship. It’s important to remember: we’re not fighting against each other. Rather, we’re both fighting against the challenges of our minds. By recognizing this, we can approach conflicts with more compassion and understanding.

The Role of Krishna in Stabilizing Us

Our connection with Krishna acts as an anchor, helping us remain stable in the stormy seas of difficult relationships. The purpose of relationships is not material gratification—asking what can this person do for me—but spiritual evolution, which shifts the focus to what can I do for this person.

I concluded the talk with an example of a shop attendant dealing with a challenging customer. Despite the frustration, the attendant remains courteous, knowing that their behavior will eventually be rewarded by their employer. Similarly, in relationships, even if we don’t seem to “win” or connect deeply with others, our actions—guided by tolerance, humility, and patience—please Krishna. This is how we grow spiritually, not just through devotional practices, but through how we interact with others.

Loving Ourselves: Empathy and Self-Care

A common question is how we can be more empathic toward others than ourselves. This is a broad topic, but briefly, we cannot love Krishna without loving the parts of Krishna—especially the part we are most responsible for: ourselves. If we fail to show love and empathy toward ourselves, we fall short of truly loving Krishna.

However, loving ourselves does not mean narcissism or obsession with our own greatness. It means recognizing that we are parts of Krishna, and we must treat ourselves with the same care and respect we would offer to others. The challenge lies in knowing when to be gentle with ourselves and when to be firm. The key is to stay encouraged and connected to Krishna, enabling us to move forward purposefully in life.

Teaching and Shaping Others

Regarding the question about teaching values to others, especially in relationships like that of a parent and child or a teacher and student: Yes, we do need to mind others’ minds in such cases. However, it’s important to note that we must first mind our own mind before attempting to shape others. Children, for example, are not like wet clay; they are more like seeds—they already have the potential, and our role is to help bring that out. Another analogy is that children are like drivers in a car: they have their own vehicle to manage, but we can guide them in learning the fundamentals of driving.

In relationships, especially when we become parents or mentors, the real miracle is not that adults have children, but that children make adults. Through our interactions with children (or others), we become more mature, responsible, and capable of managing our own impulses and moods.

In sum, relationships are an opportunity for spiritual evolution, not just material gratification. By staying connected with Krishna, we can navigate challenges more gracefully, improve our relationships, and grow spiritually. We need to focus on ourselves and our connection with Krishna, and by doing so, we can better serve others and fulfill the deeper purpose of our interactions.

Parenting, Leadership, and Selflessness in Relationships

Parenting with Compassion

When we take care of a child, it’s important to mind our mind. If we don’t, we may become overly judgmental and less effective in our parenting. In the early years, we might be able to control the child’s behavior, but as they grow older, they are likely to rebel if we don’t approach the relationship thoughtfully. To be good parents, we need to manage our own emotions and thoughts so that we can guide our children without judgment.

While it is crucial to impart values and correct misbehavior, we must do so in a way that avoids labeling the child negatively. If we start labeling a child, that label becomes the central defining feature of the relationship. Instead, we should recognize that misbehavior comes from the mind, not the soul. By helping our children recognize that they are not their mind, we empower them to better manage their own actions. This approach encourages them to see the mind’s role in their behavior, making it easier to correct missteps without damaging their self-esteem or the relationship.

Serving Selflessly Despite Mistreatment

A common question is how to serve selflessly even when others mistreat us. It’s important to clarify that we should not tolerate mistreatment or abuse. In such situations, being assertive is key, not passive or aggressive.

In many cultures, we see different approaches: Eastern cultures often emphasize tolerance, while Western cultures can lean toward being more aggressive, like demanding, “How dare you speak to me like that?” Ideally, we should aim for a balanced approach—assertiveness.

If we find ourselves constantly fearful or dominated by another person’s reactions, we need to create space for ourselves. This means not allowing the person’s behavior to constantly control our thoughts or emotions. If we feel overwhelmed, we may need to consult with others, seek guidance, and create strategies to protect our emotional space. At the same time, this does not mean we passively accept abuse. Letting someone continue abusive behavior only harms both us and the person abusing us. Healthy boundaries are necessary for the well-being of all involved.

Leadership and Judgment Without Being Judgmental

Leadership often requires making judgments about others, but we must avoid being judgmental. The difference lies in the nature of the judgment: a judgment is functional and aimed at helping others grow, while being judgmental means labeling someone permanently, which can be harmful.

For example, if someone is forgetful, placing them in a service requiring precise memory might not be appropriate. As a leader, it’s important to assess people’s abilities and place them in roles that align with their strengths. If someone is engaging in dishonest behavior, it’s essential to address the issue, but with care. Leaders must take corrective action to protect the community, without publicly humiliating the individual.

In leadership, it is critical to balance correction with compassion. One useful approach is to correct privately while praising publicly. This method allows us to address problems discreetly, preventing unnecessary conflict while still maintaining the integrity of the community.

Whether we are in leadership roles or navigating challenging relationships, we need to strike a balance between being compassionate, assertive, and responsible. By managing our own minds and actions, we can guide others more effectively without judgment, fostering an environment where spiritual growth and mutual respect thrive.

When I’m an introvert and I find it difficult to start a conversation or make contacts well, then you don’t have to make more contacts. You can make deeper contacts with whoever you are already connected with. So focus on that, and that will give us the emotional strength and nourishment. For all of us, there are certain interactions which give strength and certain interactions which take strength. Even as introverts, we might just be on the same wavelength with one or two people, and if they are there, then we should go out of our way to spend time and connect with them. Those interactions give us strength, and then with that strength, we can go and interact with other people also. We can decide, okay, I don’t necessarily have to talk with every single person I meet, but we can decide maybe I can just go a little bit out of my comfort zone. So make sure that we are nourished, and then stretch yourself. If you are already famished and empty, and then we try to do something which exhausts us, it will not be possible.

Okay, I just want to know how to deal with possessive people. That’s why I said that we need to be assertive. Now, they may think that we are not capable of confronting them. Well, then they have to change. We have to, by actions, help them change their conception. See, if we don’t stand up in the world, we will be trampled. It’s as simple as that. Now, sometimes you may say that in a particular relationship or a particular area, if that area is not important for me, I don’t mind being trampled also. That’s okay, because we have to consider what is the important thing in my life, what is my purpose. Purpose provides perspective. So if something is really interfering strongly with my purpose, then we have to take a stand. But if something is small and that person is dominant and possessive, but they’re not really controlling a major part of my life, then I don’t have to confront them. But otherwise, we need to create space for ourselves. If we don’t, then we will be choked. And what happens is anger. You know, whenever there is a negative emotion toward others, when negative emotion comes out, it becomes anger. But when it doesn’t come out, it becomes hatred. And that hatred, when it explodes, is very ugly. So we need to vent our emotions and create some space for ourselves. We can’t tolerate infinitely. If we are forced to, then we will explode, and the explosion can be horrifying.

In the work world, we have to associate with people whose values don’t align with us. Which relationships make us uncomfortable? How to deal with such situations without becoming miserable? We’ll try to find out what we align with. Sometimes as devotees, we become very judgmental toward those who are different from us. Say, okay, somebody may eat meat or somebody may have other habits, but people… We don’t have to reduce them to their particular mismatched values. Yeah, you know, somebody can have a particular one or two or three behaviors, but otherwise, they might be polite, they might be helpful, whatever it is. Look for virtues. One quality of the godly, Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita, in 16.2, is apayashunam, which means aversion to fault-finding. So, if we have to work with people, then we focus on the similarities, not the differences, and give them their space.

This is a big subject, but maybe I’ll quickly explain this. See, I talk about horizontal and vertical relationships. We have our relationship with Krishna, we have our relationship with them, and they have their relationship with Krishna. Sometimes we try to evaluate them based on their relationship with Krishna, and maybe try to push them too much to go toward Krishna or condemn them because they are not going toward Krishna. Yes, we would like them to also be devotionally disposed, but if they are not, if they are essentially disposed or whatever, now we can have… If we don’t have this, as I said, concord or symphony, symbiotic relationship, we can compartmentalize. You know, my most important relationship is my relationship with Krishna, and if they start imposing on us, you know, you drink wine or do this or do that, we may say no firmly to that. But after our relationship with Krishna is stable, we can focus on our relationship with them, not on their split attitude toward Krishna. Make A, B, C, and D as three separate things. So if we do it that way, then we can relate to others at a functional level, and we don’t have to impose or worry about their relationship with Krishna. Or if we have our space, then what they are doing in their personal space doesn’t have to matter so much to us.

Yeah, I think the last question I already answered. If somebody cheats or misbehaves, we have to create space for ourselves. Now, we don’t have to label them negatively. That will happen if we have not expressed ourselves, then the anger will go inside and become hatred. It will become a permanent label. But we can take a stand, maybe inform some senior devotees who can help us take that stand practically. But being assertive is what is required if we want to have a sustainable connection in a community. We can be passive for some time, but eventually, we will feel choked and repressed. So, we need to stand up for ourselves as far as maintaining a good relationship with that person. Different relationships work well at different distances. Some relationships work well very closely, and some relationships work best somewhat remotely. So we can respect them from a distance and not interact with them much. That’s also one way of maintaining a good relationship. So, we have to see what works best for us and for them, and then appropriately moderate that relationship.

So, thank you very much. Hare Krishna.