How can we deal with our past mistakes, especially if some devotees bring up those mistakes repeatedly?
Podcast:
How does a devotee deal with one’s mistakes? Especially if you’re a leader in the devotee movement, we tend to be judged harshly for our mistakes—past mistakes are often brought up again and again. After initiation, the bar is raised even higher. We may understand the conditions or conditioning that led us to act a certain way, but others don’t, and they hold it against us. Because of this, it can be difficult to move forward.
Sometimes we feel that we have learned and grown from mistakes in our pre-devotional life, but when it comes to mistakes in our devotional life, we feel more stuck because of the social environment and the expectations that come with it. This is a tough situation.
Sociological surveys have found that religious organizations with high moral standards often have people who suffer from a greater sense of loneliness than even those in secular life. This happens because of a judgmental mentality. People either hide their own lapses to avoid being looked down upon, or they know others are aware of their faults and feel discouraged and disconnected as a result.
So, what do we do?
My understanding is that there are no easy answers, but I have found three broad principles helpful.
First, find at least one, two, or three devotees—by Krishna’s mercy and depending on our situation—who truly understand us. Let these devotees be our primary source of bodhanta (mutual instruction), parasparam (mutual exchange), and guryam akhyata (heart-to-heart communication). Only when we have this can we move forward to dealing with more difficult people. We need to prioritize these few people, spend time with them, connect regularly, and ensure that no misconceptions build up between us. This shelter is very important.
Usually, it’s difficult to have more than three people with whom we can be this open. These people may change as we grow and change, but at least we need to have some people who become like our home.
If you consider a war, our comrades need to watch our back, and we need to watch theirs. But it’s well known that even in armies, factions and rivalries exist. Soldiers may not always feel safe even among their comrades. Even among comrades, there are some they are closer to and others not so close to. So soldiers need a place on the home front where they feel at home. We need that place of home first and foremost.
Second, with respect to our service, it’s important to have at least one service that is so meaningful to us—like our purpose—that we are willing to face any challenges, discouragements, or criticisms for it.
Suffering is unavoidable for everyone in this world. The only thing we can do is find a meaningful purpose—something with enough significance to make suffering bearable. While in the devotee community, there will always be critics. But if there is some service we feel is worthwhile—something we are doing for Krishna, or for the world in our small way—that makes it all worthwhile and tolerable.
We may need association and support to keep ourselves motivated in that service. We must keep reminding ourselves why the service is so meaningful. It also helps to note down the successes we have in that service, which gives us inner strength to persevere even when we are devalued or denigrated by those who hold our past mistakes against us.
Third, in a more direct way, we need to look back as honestly as we can, see what we did wrong, learn from it, and diligently try to incorporate those lessons into our life. Whenever possible, try to communicate with those who judge us and remind us of past faults.
If they don’t accept our explanations and continue to find fault, then we must accept that we all have a certain level of karma we need to experience. If we are living prominently in a devotee community, then whatever devotee karma (social suffering) we have to face, we will face it within that community. From where else would we get it if we are practicing bhakti?
So we accept it and move forward. As it is said, this is how life is—this is how the world is. Certain arrows will be slung at us; it is part of living in the world. Fame and dishonor come together; honor and dishonor come together. If we are in leadership, some honor will come with it, and inevitably some dishonor too.
I will write an article on this topic titled Value those who value you, and don’t overvalue those who devalue you.
So, in summary, these three things help:
- Have friends who understand us.
- Have a purpose that is deeply meaningful to us.
- After trying to improve and clarify, if people around us still behave the same way, accept it as our karma and move on.
Hope this helps.
Hare Krishna.