If a person for whom we have prayed a lot with magical results suddenly claims that we have done nothing for them, how can we respond?

Question, when we care deeply for someone and have prayed for that person and have seen magic happen in their life, if they suddenly turn upon us and say, what have you ever done for me? How do we respond, especially when prayers are invisible and when we are a sensitive person? Answer, it’s distressing, understandably, when those whom we care for feel as if we have done nothing for them. I would approach this at three levels. First is considering our own emotions and our own mental peace.

Second is considering their own emotional state and what they are going through. And third is focusing on what or whether the tangibility of prayers can somehow be demonstrated. So firstly, we all need to do two things which can sometimes seem to be opposite.

We need to develop a tender heart. At the same time, we need to cover it with a thick skin, tender heart, so that we can connect with others and experience deep and meaningful relationships and reciprocations in those relationships. And a thick skin because people will sooner or later disappoint us and may even devastate us by their actions.

And to be fair, we also may do that to them. Sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly. So Krishna says that those who are serious in the spiritual path, mould their life and their personality in such a way, or even their character in such a way that In 12.15 in the Bhagavad Gita, he says that, let us not disturb others and let us not be disturbed by others.

So this essentially means that we learn to see that while we can have relationships with others and we can have reciprocations with them, we have to avoid becoming attached to our expectations from them. Expectations are natural in any relationship, but attachment to expectations can be very disruptive. Just like attachment to anything can be disruptive.

And the way to do this is to focus primarily on the fact that while we may be doing something for someone, ultimately, we are doing it as a service to Krishna, and they are giving us an opportunity for serving them. So if our interaction, if our vision of our interaction is only limited to them, that I did this for this person, and now this person is speaking like this, then we will always be vulnerable and insecure. And we will be hurt sooner or later.

But if we see that, yes, I did this for this person, but ultimately I am meant to serve Krishna, and through this person I was serving Krishna. And whether that person reciprocates or not, this person was giving me the opportunity to serve Krishna. And rather than expecting or demanding that that person be grateful to us, then it is we who can be grateful to that person for having given us the opportunity.

Of course, if they are grateful for what we do for them, that’s wonderful. But even if they are not, we can know that our service has not gone waste, Krishna has noticed it, and Krishna will appreciate and reward it in due course. So having that vision in every interaction that I’m not just doing this for this person, but for Krishna through this person is essential if we are to not get disturbed by sometimes their disappointing lack of reciprocation or appreciation.

That’s with respect to our side. Now, generally when somebody does something unreasonable or hurtful, if you consider their actions, it’s quite likely that it is hurt people who hurt people. So maybe it is that something has happened in their life because of which they are hurting and they’re questioning what we did for them is simply a result of they going through that pain, maybe someone else let them down.

Maybe they expected something more from us at a critical time and we were not able to do that for some reason. And that’s why they are feeling let down. And it is more an expression of their hurt, rather than our lack of having done anything for them.

If you see it this way, then rather than focusing on their words, we can focus more on, okay, what is it the best thing that I can do in this situation to heal that person, to heal the relationship or to at least not aggravate things for them and for me. When Lord Rama was suddenly betrayed by Kaikeyi in order to be exiled, he saw it as just her own insecurity playing out. And that’s why he didn’t take it too seriously.

He focused on doing what was feasible. The best thing to do at that time was to just leave and go to the forest. Now, was that a palatable, enjoyable thing to do? Of course not.

But he did that because that was the best way to prevent things from becoming worse. Sometimes that’s all that we can do in a relationship. That other person is going through their own life and their own situations.

Then we may just, the only thing we can do is just keep a distance till they process what has happened and they come out of their own emotional drama and trauma. Unless, of course, they are ready to take help from us and we ourselves are not too hurt and are in a position to give help to them. Now, the last thing is the tangibility of prayers.

That is certainly not something which others can, we can show to others that I prayed for you and because of my prayers, this particular thing happened in your life. So, generally, if we recognize that in different relationships or different people value different things. So, different people have different languages of love.

For some people, words of appreciation mean a lot. So, for them, just the words when we offer a heartfelt prayer to them may themselves mean a lot. For others, for whom acts of service are more important, then they may just downplay our sincere words and say words are cheap.

They may or may not say it. So, at two levels, if a relationship is important for us, then we need to understand what it is that person values as an expression of love. And we need to do that so that that person will actually feel that we care for them and love them.

And if we have ourselves naturally a particular language of love, then we also need to connect with and bond more closely with people who share that language of love. That’s how we will have a close relationship with people who are like-minded. Sometimes we may spend a good amount of time with people and we may think that we are doing a lot for them by spending that time.

But if their language of love is, again, words of appreciation, we may be listening to them, but how much did we appreciate and encourage them during that listening? That’s what they will count. Or what did we actually do for them? So, it may be important for us to learn from such experiences and review our relationships and decide which are the relationships where we can be naturally close because that person has a similar language of love and which are the relationships where we have to be intentionally proactive in doing something so that the proximity of that relationship can be maintained. Thank you.