Relationships flourish by sharing not by dominating – Rama Lakshmana interactions

On the topic of relationships, there must be give and take, not just an imposition of authority and obedience. Let’s look at this dynamic through the lens of the Ramayana, focusing on the relationship between Ram and Lakshman.

In Ayodhya, King Dasrath had four sons. Does anyone know who they were?
Ram, Lakshman, Bharat, and Shatrughna.
Excellent, thank you. Among these, two pairs formed particularly close bonds. Can you guess which pairs?
Ram and Lakshman, and Bharat and Shatrughna.
Yes, thank you. Wonderful.

Now, Ram, being the oldest, naturally had a certain seniority, which earned him respect. However, even with that respect, Ram never demanded obedience.

In any relationship, there is usually a power dynamic. For example, one person might be more powerful than the other, which might give them the authority to impose laws or commands. But if a relationship is based solely on this—on the imposition of authority and the obedience of the other—it cannot be sustained in the long term. Sooner or later, such a relationship wears out.

This dynamic is observed even in the animal kingdom. Take, for example, how young animals interact. Ethology, which is the study of animal behavior in their natural habitats, shows that when two mice play together, one might be slightly bigger than the other. If they engage in rough play, the bigger mouse will naturally dominate. But if the bigger mouse keeps winning, the smaller one will eventually lose interest in the game.

Even among mice, the bigger one occasionally lets the smaller one win, because otherwise, the game would be no fun. If the bigger mouse only dominated all the time, the smaller one would not want to play anymore. The relationship would end.

So, even in the animal kingdom, might isn’t always right. If they only relied on power, the relationship would not last.

Similarly, in the relationship between Ram and Lakshman, although Ram was the older brother and had a certain position, he didn’t dominate Lakshman. There were times when Ram listened to Lakshman, and times when Lakshman gave advice to Ram. This was a dynamic of mutual respect.

Now, let’s look at a few instances from the Ramayana to illustrate this further. One such instance occurred when Ram, Lakshman, and Sita were living in the Dandaka forest. There, a golden deer appeared. Sita was enchanted by its beauty and wanted Ram to capture it for her as a gift. Lakshman, however, was suspicious. He noticed that the deer was behaving strangely, and he thought it might be a demon in disguise.

Despite Lakshman’s warnings, Sita insisted. She even asked Ram to go after the deer. Now, Ram, moved by Sita’s request, decided to go after the deer. He did not tell Lakshman to go; instead, he took it upon himself, as Sita had asked.

When Ram chased the deer, he realized that it was no ordinary creature, but a demon in disguise. Ram then shot the deer with his arrow, but the deer, as it was dying, called out for help in Ram’s voice, tricking Sita and Lakshman into believing that Ram was in danger.

At this point, Sita grew anxious and urged Lakshman to go after Ram. Lakshman, still suspicious, hesitated but eventually agreed to leave Sita alone and go after Ram. Meanwhile, Ram, realizing the trap, turned back, but by the time he reached the hermitage, Sita had already been abducted by Ravana.

At this moment, both Ram and Lakshman were devastated. It would have been easy for Lakshman to say, “I told you so,” but he didn’t. Instead, despite the tension, they did not blame each other. Ram did not scold Lakshman for leaving Sita alone or for not taking her words seriously. Similarly, Lakshman did not argue with Ram for going after the deer.

This situation exemplifies that in any relationship, there are moments when things go wrong. In such moments, we can choose to focus on who is right or wrong, or we can focus on what is right. This is the essence of relationships built on mutual respect and understanding, rather than simply on power and obedience.

So either I am right and I try to prove I am right, or you are right. Then if the other person starts insisting they are right, what happens? The first person feels dominated and humiliated. But not “I am right” or “you are right,” but “what is right?” So now, what is right? Sita is already lost. She’s not there. The most important thing is not what went wrong, but what can we do now? So they both started searching for Sita.

Throughout the search, there was no incident of Ram and Lakshmana quarreling with each other because of this. What happens is that when somebody is a little bit too short-tempered or demoniac, it’s generally very easy to behave well when everything is comfortable. But when things become uncomfortable, that’s when the real test comes. How do we behave when things become difficult?

Prabhupada once said that greatness has to be seen by the capacity to tolerate provoking situations. The test of greatness is not in all the great things we achieve, but how we deal with provocations. In the Chaitanya Charita Amrit, there is a story of two demoniac people, Jagai and Madai. They were bullies, but being a bully was the least of their wrongdoings. They would catch someone and beat them up, and if they didn’t have anyone to beat, they would fight with each other. That was how they were.

But Ram and Lakshmana, although they were Kshatriyas and fought when required, were not controlled by that. The worst thing they could have done is start quarreling with each other, but they did not. So, when a difficult situation arises, we can either say, “This difficulty is here, and both of us are together trying to fight it,” or we can let the difficulty come between us and start fighting with each other instead of fighting the difficulty.

Later, when Ram couldn’t find Sita and in his despair and agony, he suddenly became angry. He picked up his bow and said, “Oh trees, tell me where Sita is! Oh gods, you are witnesses to everything! Tell me where Sita is!” But nobody replied. Ram threatened, “If you don’t tell me where Sita is, I will use my mystic powers and destroy the whole world.” As he said this, the whole atmosphere became agitated, and all the birds and animals shrank back in fear. But at that moment, Lakshmana immediately calmed him down.

He said, “Oh Ram, you are the king. You are the ideal human being. Yours is the example that everyone will follow. If you give in to anger amidst distress like this, everyone will follow that example.” Lakshmana continued, “I can understand your anger, but let us first exert our fullest to try to find Sita. If we cannot find her, then I will join you in acting aggressively.”

Here, Ram, of course, is God and beyond all mundane emotions. But Ram is playing Nara Leela—acting as a human being. He demonstrates to us how to deal with various emotions that we may go through. It’s natural for a human being to feel upset, angry, or distressed, especially in the face of great trouble. Sometimes we think being spiritual means we should not have any “non-spiritual” or “anti-spiritual” emotions.

I was in America once, and a devotee came to me and said, “I have not told anyone this, but I want to know what should I do. I’m feeling so angry with Krishna. Because Krishna allowed something bad to happen in my life, I am angry with him. And now I am scared that Krishna will punish me for being angry with him.”

I told him that God is big enough to accommodate even our anger. It doesn’t mean we should routinely yell at God or get angry with him. But the point is, in any relationship, there will be a variety of emotions. If we look at Draupadi, when she was attempted to be disrobed in the assembly in Hastinapur, she called out to Krishna. In some movies, we may see Krishna standing with his hand upraised, and the endless garment appearing. But actually, no one saw Krishna there. The garment just remained endless.

Later, when they were in the forest and Krishna came to meet them, Draupadi broke down and said, “Krishna, I called to you. Why didn’t you come to protect me?” Krishna didn’t say, “I am God, my plan is perfect.” Instead, he explained, “I didn’t know about the gambling match. Had I known, I would have come to prevent it.” Krishna then consoled Draupadi, saying, “Your virtue will be praised forever, and those who have wronged you will be punished.”

Similarly, when Ram got angry, Lakshmana did not just obey and say, “If you want to destroy the world, I will help you.” No, Lakshmana calmed Ram down, and Ram did not get angry with him for doing so. If Lakshmana’s words made sense, Ram accepted them.

So, for all of us, no matter what relationship we are in or what hierarchy exists, it’s important to remember that the hierarchy exists for a purpose. That purpose is to live virtuously, practice dharma, and ultimately attain Krishna.

Once, Prabhupada was in Europe during an initiation ceremony, and because the devotees were new, everything was messed up. They got a banana and made a banana salad, and they got flowers and made a flower garland. One thing after another went wrong. At one point, Prabhupada became very angry and scolded the disciples. Then a hippie came and said, “Swamiji, don’t get angry. Just chant Hare Krishna.” Prabhupada looked at him, picked up his beads, and started chanting Hare Krishna.

What does this mean? Prabhupada’s anger was for Krishna’s service. But when even a person who didn’t know much about chanting told him to chant, Prabhupada took it as an opportunity to teach. He didn’t respond with anger or “how dare you instruct me?” but instead showed us how to accept guidance in any form.

These are all Leelas.

So, Ram is beyond all anger. However, when he comes into this world, he demonstrates how we, as human beings, should face the challenges of life. If we get angry, all of us can feel a certain emotion when faced with difficulties. For example, someone may be a heroic warrior capable of destroying legions of soldiers, but if they are wounded, their strength may falter. A warrior who might fight battles fiercely might need someone to lean on when vulnerable. This doesn’t make them permanently weak, but at that moment, they are.

In our lives, sometimes we become weak too. If we always think of ourselves as being in a higher position and others in a lower position, we might not be able to function effectively in difficult times. Ram showed us this by taking advice from Lakshmana.

Later, when Ram and Lakshmana met Sugriva and helped him regain his kingdom, the rainy season (Chaturmasya) began. Under normal circumstances, when someone is lost, you wouldn’t let something like the rain stop you from searching. But, because Vali, Sugriva’s brother, had been killed, and Indra had become furious, there was unprecedented rage in the air. Even simple movement became impossible due to the fury of the gods, which is why they decided to pause the search for four months.

This period of waiting was agonizing for Ram, as being unable to do anything at all can sometimes drive the mind mad. During this time, Ram spoke to Lakshmana about Sita’s devotion and their memories of her. This was when Ram and Lakshmana grew closer than ever before, as they were alone together, without distractions.

During this period, when Ram was weak, Lakshmana, though younger, stepped into the role of an older brother, consoling Ram. When the four months were over, and Ram saw no progress from Sugriva, he began to feel concerned, then annoyed, and eventually angry. He had fulfilled his part of the deal by helping Sugriva regain his kingdom, but Sugriva had yet to fulfill his promise to help find Sita.

Ram expressed his frustration, asking why Sugriva had forgotten their agreement. Lakshmana, more impulsive, became even angrier and said he would go to Kishkindha to punish Sugriva, or even destroy his kingdom. Ram, however, calmed him down, saying they needed to first find out what was happening and restrain their anger before taking any action.

Lakshmana, in his anger, was ready to act swiftly, but Ram insisted they gather more information before jumping to conclusions. This shows how, even when one is senior, the expression of anger can sometimes be amplified by the younger ones. In the Dakshya pastime, when Lord Shiva was disrespected, his servants became furious and started attacking not only Dakshya but also the other brahmanas present. This is a classic example of anger escalating if not properly controlled.

Ram knew this and advised Lakshmana to calm down. Lakshmana eventually went to Kishkindha, where he saw Sugriva in a state of revelry. His anger only increased, but Tara and Hanuman intervened, reassuring him that Sugriva had already summoned the monkeys and that help was on the way.

There is another key lesson here: it’s important to defend what is right, but we must do so in a way that resolves conflicts rather than intensifying them.

Now, let’s move to another event in the war, where Ram and Lakshmana fought together against Ravana’s forces. Indrajit, Ravana’s son, was the most cunning and dangerous warrior. He managed to strike down both Ram and Lakshmana, but they were revived by Garuda and Hanuman. When Ravana came onto the battlefield in a fit of rage, he targeted Lakshmana specifically, since Lakshmana had killed his son. It became a fierce and intense battle. Lakshmana fought valiantly, but Ravana, in a final act of desperation, unleashed a mystical weapon on Lakshmana, piercing his chest.

The arrow created a massive hole in Lakshmana’s chest, and he fell unconscious, appearing lifeless. Ravana, thinking this was an opportunity, leaped down from his chariot to capture Lakshmana as a hostage, intending to use him as leverage against Ram. However, despite Ravana’s immense strength and multiple attempts, Lakshmana, being an incarnation of Ananta Shesha (the serpent holding the worlds), was immovable. Ravana could not even lift him.

As Lakshmana fell, a shockwave spread throughout the entire Vanara army. Hanuman, who had been fighting far away, saw this and immediately charged toward Ravana. He roared loudly, distracting Ravana. Before Ravana could react, Hanuman leaped onto him and struck him with both fists on the chest. The force of the blow sent Ravana staggering backward. The impact was so powerful that Ravana vomited blood from his mouth, nose, and ears. He was shaken and disoriented. By the time he recovered, Hanuman had already lifted Lakshmana with both hands and rushed away.

Ravana was humiliated. It’s one thing not to be able to lift an enemy, but it was even more embarrassing to be defeated by someone who wasn’t even the highest-ranking member of his own army. Hanuman, a non-leader, had beaten Ravana and lifted Lakshmana in front of everyone.

As the news reached Ram, he hurried to the battlefield. Ravana, feeling humiliated, retreated to his chariot and began fighting from there. Ram, furious, shot a series of arrows, forcing Ravana to retreat for the day.

Ram turned to Lakshmana, tears welling in his eyes, as he feared for his brother’s life. He said, “Oh, Lakshmana, your mother Sumitra entrusted you to my care. When I return to Ayodhya, how will I face her? I may find a wife like Sita, but I will never find a brother like you. Sita, in a way, had an obligation to follow me as my wife, but you had no such obligation. You chose to come with me, enduring discomfort and danger, all for my sake. And yet, I could not protect you.” Ram broke down in grief.

At that moment, Nala and Neela, the sons of the Ashwini Kumaras and the physicians in the monkey army, arrived and confirmed that Lakshmana still lived. They used mystical herbs to revive him, and Lakshmana regained consciousness.

The point here is that Ram acknowledged Lakshmana’s sacrifice. It is often the case that when people are always around us, we start taking them for granted. We are polite with strangers, yet we often forget to show gratitude to those who matter most to us.

In every relationship, there are contributions and expectations. Relationships thrive when both parties contribute. If only one person contributes while the other only expects, the relationship becomes strained. Ram recognized that Lakshmana’s commitment to him was voluntary, and he didn’t take it for granted.

When Lakshmana regained consciousness, Ram again broke down in tears. He said, “If anything had happened to you, I would not have been able to live. Everything in the world would have been meaningless without you. You are my life and soul.” Lakshmana, however, responded, “Please don’t speak like this. We must work together to bring Sita back and punish Ravana.”

Although Lakshmana was the younger brother, Ram did not take his devotion for granted. Instead, he expressed appreciation, understanding that no one is obligated to serve us. Ram knew that people could always choose whether or not to fulfill their duties. He expressed his gratitude, acknowledging Lakshmana’s sacrifices and the importance of his role in his life.

This story teaches us that we often fail to express appreciation for those closest to us. While we might appreciate them internally, it is important to express that appreciation outwardly. If we fail to do so, those who serve us may become discouraged.

A famous British author once said, “I can run on one good compliment for six months.” A simple word of appreciation can sustain us for a long time, just as the body needs food and a car needs fuel, the human heart needs encouragement.

However, there’s a difference between encouragement and flattery. Flattery is when we praise someone for qualities they don’t have in order to manipulate them. Appreciation, on the other hand, is when we genuinely acknowledge someone’s positive qualities and actions. If we make it a habit to appreciate others regularly, we create a more positive and supportive environment.

Sometimes, in our everyday life, we are quick to notice what others are doing wrong, but we should also actively look for what they are doing right. In Kali Yuga, the world is full of faults, and finding faults requires little effort. But if we focus on appreciating the good in others, it will serve as a lubricant to reduce friction and build stronger relationships.

Inevitably, friction will occur in any relationship. However, if we have been regularly appreciating each other, that appreciation will act like a lubricant. When friction arises, the grinding and erosion will be less severe. We see this dynamic in the relationship between Ram and Lakshman. Although they were brothers, they experienced their own ups and downs. But because both were virtuous, these challenges brought them even closer.

Similarly, in life, we will go through difficulties. But if we remain devoted to Krishna and centered on devotion, the challenges we face will bring us closer to one another instead of pulling us apart.

To summarize: I spoke about the dynamics of the relationship between Ram and Lakshman. In any relationship with a hierarchy, the senior may expect or even demand obedience, and the junior may follow. However, if obedience is the only foundation of the relationship, it will not be sustainable.

Although Ram was the older brother and heir, he never demanded obedience from Lakshman. I also mentioned that in the animal kingdom, even a bigger mouse might allow a smaller mouse to win in a game, ensuring that the smaller mouse continues to play.

I discussed four key incidents from the Ramayan involving Ram and Lakshman:

1. Lakshman’s caution about Maricha: Lakshman was suspicious about chasing Maricha, and his suspicion proved correct. He didn’t say, “I told you so,” which is often tempting for the ego. Instead of focusing on who was right, Lakshman focused on what was right.
2. Ram’s agony and anger in search of Sita: Ram became so overwhelmed with grief and rage that he nearly destroyed everything with his celestial weapons. At that moment, Lakshman, though younger, calmed Ram down, reminding him that he needed to set an example for others. Ram, instead of becoming defensive, accepted Lakshman’s wisdom.
3. Sugriva’s unkept promise: Ram became upset when Sugriva didn’t keep his promise, and Lakshman became even angrier. Sometimes, we may use the displeasure of someone we respect as a justification for our own disproportionate anger. Lakshman, in his anger, threatened to destroy Kishkindha, but Ram reminded him to first understand the situation before acting.
4. Lakshman’s injury: When Ravana’s arrow wounded Lakshman, Ram broke down and acknowledged the tremendous sacrifices Lakshman had made. He expressed his gratitude, showing the importance of appreciating those who support us.

The common thread in these incidents is the expression of appreciation. If we regularly appreciate one another, that appreciation acts like lubrication. When friction arises, it will cause less harm, and we will be able to navigate difficulties and grow closer rather than becoming distant.

In conclusion, relationships are more sustainable when there is mutual respect and appreciation, not just obedience. Whether in the professional or spiritual context, it’s essential to make judgments with kindness. In a work environment, for example, we might need to keep a record to cover ourselves if things go wrong, but that doesn’t mean we should blame others or demean them. There’s a difference between taking responsibility and passing blame.

In the workplace, if someone makes a mistake, it’s important to understand what went wrong and correct it. However, we should not use the opportunity to criticize or belittle others, especially if it’s not necessary. In both professional and spiritual settings, we need to balance being constructive with showing respect. Criticism should be directed toward resolving the issue, not punishing the person.

In the end, even in a professional setting, we should strive to avoid excessive judgment and instead approach challenges with understanding, aiming to help others improve rather than making them feel discouraged.

Making judgments is fine, but being judgmental is like affixing a label to the person. Not only do we attach a label to them, but we also start seeing them solely through that label. For example, let’s say this is my phone, but now imagine that this is like a label or opinion I have about someone. If I find that a person I work with doesn’t do things on time, forgets tasks, or just doesn’t complete their work, I might label them as “irresponsible” or “untrustworthy.”

Now, from an operational perspective, if I need to assign an important task, I might decide not to choose this person based on my past experiences. It’s fine to keep that opinion close to us so that we don’t forget it and can make informed decisions. However, the problem arises if we hold that opinion so closely that we can’t see anything else about the person.

For example, if the only thing I think of when I see a devotee is “irresponsible,” “incompetent,” or “untrustworthy,” that’s unhealthy. It’s important to differentiate between holding an opinion based on past experience and reducing someone to just that label.

If we’ve learned something from past experiences with someone, it’s okay to make note of it to protect ourselves from being caught off guard in the future. But there’s a way to express that concern without demeaning the person. For instance, if I have to assign a task, I could say, “Because the last time this service wasn’t completed well, we’ve decided to assign it to someone else.” This is objective—it addresses the issue without attacking the person.

However, if I say, “You are so irresponsible, so we won’t give you any service,” I am making a value judgment. I’m not evaluating the person’s actions; I’m evaluating the person themselves. This type of labeling can be very alienating.

The key is to make sure things get done without attaching negative labels to people. If we must make a judgment call, we should do so carefully and objectively. We should avoid being so attached to our opinions that we reduce a person to just a label and fail to see their other qualities.

We can’t always avoid difficult situations, but it’s like driving on a road where there’s a pothole. The first time, we might get jolted by it, but the second time, we’ll be more careful. Similarly, if we know there’s a particular person who is difficult to deal with, we can prepare ourselves. There are some people who bring happiness wherever they go, and others who bring happiness when they leave.

There will always be difficult people in our lives. It might be that they’re generally difficult, or it could be that we find it hard to deal with them. Regardless, if we know we have already gone through several challenges and are nearing our breaking point, it’s almost certain that we will eventually break down.

So, how can we handle this? First, we can try as much as possible to anticipate and avoid situations that will provoke us. If we know something will anger us, it’s better to steer clear of it.

Second, some people make a resolution like, “I will never get angry.” This kind of resolution often leads to failure because even if we succeed for 365 days, on the 366th day, when we get angry, we might feel like everything is ruined. Instead, we could make a more positive resolution, such as: “I will respect everyone’s right to be spoken to politely.” This approach focuses on treating others with respect. When we make mistakes, we don’t want people to yell at us, so we should extend the same courtesy to others.

Focusing on self-control alone can feel like a losing battle. But when we consider the other person’s perspective, it helps build empathy. Even if we do speak angrily or impolitely for a moment, we can recognize it and work to apologize and calm down afterward. If we think of it in terms of the effect of our anger on the other person, it becomes easier to correct ourselves.

Third, we need to find our own “pause button.” When anger arises, we can’t simply repress it, as doing so can lead to it turning into resentment or hatred. At the same time, expressing it immediately can harm others. Instead, we should pause and process. The key is to stop ourselves before we react, allowing time to calm down and reflect.

A pause button might be something devotional—a kirtan, a picture of our spiritual master, or a favorite deity’s darshan. When anger starts rising, we can redirect our thoughts toward that anchor. Anger comes like a wave, and trying to fight the wave is difficult. But holding on to an anchor allows us to weather the storm.

Once we’ve paused and calmed down, we can reflect: What exactly made me angry? How can I express myself in a way that solves the issue instead of making it worse?

One approach I use is a 24-hour rule. When I’m angry and feel compelled to send an email or message, I wait 24 hours before sending it. Often, in that time, the other person will clarify the situation, apologize, or I’ll realize it’s not as big an issue as I initially thought. If I still feel the need to address it, I’ll reread the message and soften my words. Most of the time, waiting 24 hours means I can express myself more calmly and effectively.

In summary, we can try three things:

1. Learn to avoid provoking situations.
2. View things from the other person’s perspective and respect their right to be spoken to politely.
3. Find a pause button that helps us process our emotions before reacting.

By practicing these, we can reduce the chances of reacting in anger and better manage our responses.

And then find your own “pause button” so you can process the emotion and respond appropriately. Does that answer your question?

Now, if you’re in a situation where someone is criticizing you or yelling at you in front of other people, how should you react?

If someone is criticizing us publicly, it is definitely a difficult situation. In most cultures and societies, confrontations are dealt with privately. For example, if parents have an issue with each other, they generally won’t quarrel in front of their children. They will likely go to a private room or somewhere else to discuss their issues. The same principle applies to us—it’s best to handle conflicts privately.

However, if someone is criticizing or yelling at us in public, we should avoid escalating the conflict in front of others. How can we do this? There are three broad options:

1. Confront them, not with counter-accusations, but by presenting the facts.
2. Clarify to others either in the moment or later on, after the situation has calmed down.
3. Neglect the situation altogether and not engage in it.

We may feel like we’re losing face when someone accuses us publicly, but it’s important to remember that people are intelligent. If someone is yelling in public, they are also losing credibility. People will see that this is not the appropriate way to behave.

Remember, what we speak about others also speaks about us. While it’s true that we might worry about what others will think of us when someone acts out publicly, we should keep in mind that such situations rarely last long. Those who thrive on gossip may circulate the information for a while, but eventually, they will find something new to talk about.

If this happens, the best approach is to avoid escalating the situation. Sometimes, if someone is making accusations, providing a calm, fact-based statement can deflate the whole situation. Alternatively, we could walk away from the confrontation or address the issue in an appropriate forum later.

Ultimately, we have to find what works best for us in such situations.

Thank you very much.

Srila Prabhupada Ki Jai!
Gaur Bhakta Vrindaki Jai!
Vithai Gaur Priyamanandey!
Hari Hari Bhol!
Jai!